DJCline.com » Humor

Bond Villain Org Chart

dj — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:58:42 +0000

Ever wondered what Bond villain organizational chart looks like? Here it is.

Jan. 10, 2012 New Hamsphire Primary Top Ten

dj — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:14:26 +0000

Jan. 10, 2012 New Hampshire Primary Top Ten Campaign Promises

1. Return state to traditional values by calling it Old Hampshire.

2. Reflect gentrification by changing state motto to “The Granite Counter Top State.”

3. Modify state license plates to say “Live free and diet.” to encourage a healthier lifestyle.

4. Classify maple syrup as an alternative fuel.

5. Build a fence on the border with Maine to keep the lobsters out.

6. Boost employment by hiring moose crossing guards.

7. Require candidates to reveal all disgusting personal details before campaigning in state.

8. Make candidates pay for everyone’s meal if they enter a restaurant and ask how everything is going.

9. Provide airlift of all registered voters to Bermuda until after the primary.

10. Move the 2016 New Hamphire primary to next week and get it over with.

2012 Mayan Calendar Holidays

dj — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 23:37:39 +0000

2012 Mayan Calendar Holidays by DJ Cline

I am told the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world this year. If I had a calendar predicting the end of the world, I would trade it in for something with kittens on it. I’m pretty sure that a year from now we will see the end of the year and not the end of the world. In case I am wrong, this an attempt to clear up confusion about the holidays over the next year.

Jan. 1, 2012 Mayan New Years Day

Mayan insurance agencies mail calendars to their clients for the last time, with reminders that their policies will not cover acts of feathered serpent gods.

Feb. 2, 2012 Mayan Groundhog Day

If the groundhog comes out and sees its shadow, it means another ten months of sensationally misleading documentaries on the History Channel.

Feb. 14, 2012 Mayan Valentines Day

Lovers exchange cards expressing their feelings for another few months, until the world ends.

Feb. 26, 2012 Mayan Academy Awards

Despite not being on the ballot, the movie Apocalypto wins best picture. Mayans hope that whatever civilization replaces the current one will have somebody as crazy as Mel Gibson make an incomprehensible movie about them and see how they feel.

Feb. 29, 2012 Mayan Leap Day

Mayans take the rare opportunity to make fun of European calendars and math skills.

Apr. 15, 2012 Mayan Tax Day

The IRS reminds taxpayers that even if the world ends they should still file an extension or face penalties.

Apr. 27, 2012 Mayan Arbor Day

People plant trees to remind everyone that they should have planted more trees to avoid the environmental catastrophe that is sure to come.

Sep. 3, 2012 Mayan Labor Day

Workers use up that last of their vacation days before the world ends.

Oct. 12, 2012 Mayan Columbus Day

Mayans recognize the arrival of a European civilization that seriously misinterpreted a calender’s simple rollover of the odometer into the end of the world.

Nov. 6, 2012 Mayan Election Day

A presidential candidate wins by promising the wealthy more tax cuts if they survive in their air conditioned luxury bunkers.

Nov. 22, 2012 Mayan Thanksgiving

Families gather to eat some of the food they stockpiled for the end of the world and find out which of their children will come out of the closet.

Dec. 25, 2012 Mayan Christmas

Holiday shopping reaches a peak, particularly with sleeping bags, tents and canned food.

Dec. 31, 2012 Mayan New Years Eve

If you can’t get a date for the Apocalypse, it might as well be the end of the world.

Nov. 24, 2011 Thanksgiving

dj — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:04:37 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving!

Does anybody know how long it takes to defrost a Pilgrim?