Category Archives: Humor

Jul. 7, 2017 Ten Years Too Much

A recruiter sent a job description to a candidate. It said “Must have industry experience of at least 5 Years, but not to exceed 10 years.” That kind of screams age discrimination, but it also does not make a lot of sense. If you needed brain surgery, would you want the doctor who has less experience? Of course whoever wrote the job description probably needs their head examined. :-)

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Jun. 11, 2017 Blumbers

Personal Watermelon

The sign said Personal Watermelons for three dollars a pound. They were about the size of a bowling ball. The sign raised all sorts of questions. Had watermelons become so large as to seem impersonal? Was it simply a Silicon Valley marketing strategy to differentiate from older larger mainframe watermelons or even smaller mobile watermelons? Did they really expect one person to sit down and eat this watermelon in one sitting?

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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May 30, 2017 The New Phonebook Is Here

The new phonebooks arrived in our neighborhood over the weekend. They must have been dropped from an airplane. They are scattered in bushes, on sidewalks, driveways, birdbaths, swimming pools and occasionally a porch. Why are still getting phone books? Why do they not just put them directly in the recycling bins?

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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May 22, 2017 Trump Touches Orb

On May 22, 2017 NPR’s Colin Dwyer reported “Here’s The Deal With That Glowing Orb — And Plenty Of Notes On What It Isn’t.” American President Donald Trump, Saudi King Salman and Egyptian President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi touched a glowing orb to start a welcome video at the Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology in Riyadh. Nothing odd here. Just three guys touching an orb. Three grown men. Three world leaders.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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May 17, 2017 Conan In Comedy Court

On May 17, 2017, CNN reported U.S. District Judge Janis L. Sammartini ruled that comedy writer Alex Kaseberg’s case against Conan O’Brien will go to court about stolen jokes. When Milton Berle was accused of stealing jokes, he said he only stole the funny ones.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To sue over a tired comedic premise.

Two comedy writers walk into a bar and admit they have a drinking problem.

Knock knock. Who’s there? A judge with a court order.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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May 3, 2017 Hundred Pounds Of Kitty Litter

A cat lover got coupons for five twenty pound bags of cat litter. She loaded a hundred pounds of cat litter in the trunk of her sedan. On the way home there was an accident, the car was struck in the back and forced into the truck in front of it. The cat litter in the trunk absorbed the impact and  its weight raised the front of the car like it was popping a wheelie. The officer said it probably saved her life. Clip your coupons and hug your cats.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Apr. 26, 2017 Real Encino Man

On Apr. 26, 2017 NPR’s Christopher Joyce reported “New Evidence Suggests Humans Arrived In The Americas Far Earlier Than Thought.”  San Diego Natural History Museum paleontologist Tom Deméré found evidence of human tools at a mastodon site. Uranium-thorium dating technology indicates the site may be 130,000 years old. Until now, most experts thought humans did not arrive in North America until 15,000 years ago. The evidence consists of stone tools, bone fragments and a screenplay for NBC’s Law and Order.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

 

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Apr. 19, 2017 New United Slogans

United Airlines Slogans

  1. You can’t beat our service but we can beat you.
  2. Flying is such a drag.
  3. Lose your luggage and some teeth.
  4. Now serving free punch.
  5. The customer is always right, then a left, then a right again.
  6. Bring your family and your lawyer.
  7. Have a mixed drink with mixed martial arts.
  8. Makes Amtrak look pretty good.
  9. Check your luggage and your rights.
  10. Stay home.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Apr. 10, 2017 John Clarke Dead

On Apr. 10, 2017 the Australian Broadcasting Company reported John Clarke, noted satirist dead at the age of 68. Of course, because of the International Dateline, he might still be alive, so heads up John. If you do not know this remarkably funny New Zealander, you are the worse for it. His performance in the TV show about the Sydney Olympics called “The Games” was dry enough to make toast.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Apr. 8, 2017 Assembly Required

I got a letter from a state legislature representative. They call themselves Assembly members, which when said aloud sounds like  mumbling. I suggest they try the word Assemblers, that way if they lie they can be called Dissemblers. It it also sounds kind of nerdy, like they are writing hexadecimal code for 8088 processors.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Apr. 7, 2017 Don Rickles Dead

On Apr. 7, 2017 CNN reported comedian Don Rickles died of kidney failure at the age of 90. Best known as an insult comic, a skill he developed dealing with hecklers at nightclubs. Somehow most people figured out what he doing in a joking manner. I am not sure how his approach would work today. Now he’s at Heaven’s Gate standing in line behind a bunch of hockey pucks trying to get in.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Mar. 16, 2017 Robot Traffic Stop

On Mar. 16, 2017 NPR’s Vignesh Rakmachandran reported “When Policing And Race Cross Paths In Silicon Valley” about using robots to question suspects. What happens when a robot pulls over a self driving car?

“Duke University students Vaibhav Tadepalli and Chris Reyes developed a prototype robot that could someday conduct the initial phase of a traffic stop, possibly easing concerns for both drivers and police officers. With the press of a button, an officer can deploy the “Sentinel” robot from a patrol car that rides over to the stopped driver’s car, raises a screen and starts a two-way video conference between the driver and the police officer.”

Rather than use a Sentinel robot, why not use a flying drone? It could fly up to a car, signal for it to pull over and ask the driver for information. It could adjust to any height faster. If the car does not pull over, the drone could follow it faster than a ground drone or patrol car.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Mar. 13, 2017 Daylight Ravings Time

It is time to move your clocks ahead. If it is 9:00 AM, set your watch ahead to 10:00 AM. If you are Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King set your sundial from 1955 to 2017. Why? Because on Mar. 13, 2017 Associated Press reported Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King said “We can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies.” Someone needs to tell him that other people’s babies are as important as his own.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Mar. 10, 2017 Ozymandias Found

On Mar. 10, 2017 NPR reported a statue of Ramses II was found in Cairo. This is the Egyptian pharaoh described in the Percy Bysshe Shelley poem Ozymandias. Experts say he used to tweet a lot. :-)

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—”Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Jan. 29, 2017 Blumbers

Tanks Trump

On Jan. 19, 2017 The Huffington Post’s Jessica Schulberg wrote that Donald Trump told the Washington Post that he wanted the military to “come marching down Pennsylvania Avenue” when he came to power.  It included tanks and missile launchers. What was he thinking? Crowd control?

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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Dec. 31, 2016 Obituary

This was a terrible year. Very curious about the next one.

A lot of famous people died this year. Like old newspapers, I write obituaries ahead of time. If somebody dies I have most of it ready. If I know them, I usually ask them how they want to be remembered.  They are usually a lot nicer to me when they realize they are not going to be around forever. Of course, with modern technology you can keep popping up like Hari Seldon in Isaac Asimov’s Foundation.

This year we are seeing inevitable actuarial demographics. Many of the  celebrities were born after WWII. If the average life expectancy is 70, probably half of them are already dead. Not surprisingly, Jim Morrison, Janice Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all died in their twenties. Michael Jackson died at 50. George Michael was 53. Prince died at 57. Carrie Fisher was 60. David Bowie was 69. Ever the optimist, Mick Jagger just fathered a child at the age of 73. I do not know if he has any sympathy for the devil but he clearly has some sort of arrangement. Leonard Cohen was 82 although he was so depressed it felt longer. Debbie Reynolds was 84. The good news is that their artwork survives. You can hear their music or watch their video any time you want.

These were successful professionals with access to healthcare and they still died. Famous or not, you can quit smoking or drinking, eat all your vegetables and meditate all day and you are still going to die. Some of it is hereditary. How old were your parents when they died? What was their cause of death? If you are a GenXer born around 50 years ago and your parents died in their mid 60s, plan ahead. If your grandparents are still alive, you have to plan way ahead. One thing to do is to make sure there are rock solid guaranteed government support for everyone. Expand and enhance Social Security and Medicare. Honor the dead by improving the lives of others. If you cannot take it with you, leave something wonderful.

Copyright 2016 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

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