Nothing says 1980’s bachelor pad like wood paneling, skylights and a rear projection large screen TV you can hook up to your Atari console. Notice the grandfather clock which is always a turn on for the ladies.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:23 PM PDT []
If you are getting too much exercise walking from the sofa to the refrigerator, move them closer together.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:13 PM PDT []
This place has lots of storage… if you want to store things in your living room.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline all rights reserved
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:59 PM PST []
The cabinets and counter tops are all black. If the stove and refrigerator were not stainless steel, you would not see anything at all. You would need a miner’s helmet to make a sandwich.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:43 PM PST []
This furry blue bathmat and toilet seat cover look like they turned Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster into a rug. Today’s episode was brought to you by the number 2.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:49 PM PST []
Somewhere there is a general store missing a potbellied stove.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:10 PM PST []
I first looked at this and thought those stairs were a little steep. I looked closer and that is actually a ladder! Is there a firepole you can slide down?
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:05 PM PST []
I’ve never seen a round doorway like this in a home before. It looks like it belongs in a science fiction movie. “Why yes captain, on our planet all doorways are round to accommodate our enormous girth.”
Last week Southwest Airlines denied film director Kevin Smith a seat on a plane because he was too fat. I know people who would pay good money just to sit NEXT to Kevin Smith. He is hilarious. profane and profound. I advise Kevin to start his own airline where he would be on every flight and talk about his adventures in show business. Text from DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:37 PM PST []
We need more relevant winter sports like shoveling driveways, scraping windshields, zig-zagging down icy streets. My neighbor doesn’t shovel their driveway in spandex and I am grateful for that.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:29 PM PST []
Happy President’s Day!
You used to get Lincoln’s Birthday and George Washington’s Birthday off. They came up with this combined holiday to avoid the inevitable Martin Van Buren Birthday and even more embarrassing presidents ridiculed in the Simpson’s Hall of Mediocre Presidents. No one tries to sell mattresses on Franklin Pierce’s birthday. Celebrate the day by being thankful you are not president. Text from DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:47 PM PST []
Somebody sent me this job posting. I could not believe it. They might want to get some legal advice before posting anything else.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:27 PM PST []
Many people are having trouble selling their homes online. I think some of it may be the pictures they use. Here are some more examples people send to me.
Gym Equipment
If you have this much exercise equipment in your house you need to watch fewer late night informercials and get out of the house.
Ikea Shelves
If you don’t like all these shelves from Ikea, you can take them down with a single hex wrench. Or an Axenswingen.
Cast Iron Bed
They stopped making these kinds of beds because cowboys kept getting their spurs caught in the grill work.
1929 kitchen
I don’t know how this kitchen escaped remodeling. I think even the cockroaches would be depressed by it.
Long Driveway
This driveway is so long you have to pack a lunch to check your mail.
Skating Window
This is not the sort of place you can roller skate unless you are also wearing a parachute.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 12:36 PM PST []
Many years ago there was a book called “The Prophet” by Kahil Gilbran. It was so serious and ponderous that a wonderful parody came out called “The Profit” by Kehlog Albran published by Price/Stern/Sloan in 1973. It is out of print but I highly recommend it. Below are some excerpts:
“I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.”
“The crowds gathered at the foot of the Valley.
Thousands pushed their way through.
The ominous rumbling was heard for miles.
Is he down yet, a merchant selfishly cried.
Where can I see him, an old woman shrieked.
I have waited for him for over one hundred years, a withered man murmured.
The crowd hushed in unison as a glimpse of a figure appeared in the clouded distance.
He is here, they whispered.
He looked almost young yet his age was impossible to guess.
He was not tall, yet he had many tall ways.
As they stared, he sat upon a rock.
Quietly folding his arms, he began to speak:
I am here.
I am tired.
But I will answer your questions.
Bring me food, drink, and don’t forget a little gold.
A little silver for an answer.
A drachma for a doubt, a penny for a thought.
For I am The Profit and what I have learned has cost me ten lifetimes.
What you are about to learn has cost you two dollars and fifty cents.”
NOTE: The book cost $2.50. Ha ha.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
J.D. Salinger is dead at the age of 91. He was driving a 2009 Toyota Camry through a field of rye when the accelerator stuck and he plunged off a cliff.
He left several unpublished novels, all of which will be used to torture high school literature students for centuries.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 11:16 AM PST []
There’s a big trial starting in California over same sex unions. People opposing it don’t want to go on camera and state their reasons against it because they may look silly. Really? I’m beginning to think the main objection to gay marriage is that it might lead to dancing. Text from DJ Cline
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 5:37 PM PST []
A Different Sort Of Search
I got back from Hawaii and have a few words about the idiot who tried to set off a bomb in his pants on a flight to Detroit. I’m sure Freud would have a field day with it, so I will too. Text from DJCline.com
Is it my imagination or do terrorists actually come from upper class families? You’d expect the disaffected to come from the starving masses, but this guy’s dad was some big wheel in West Africa. His dad tried to warn the authorities, but frankly how many of us pay attention to an e-mail from a high ranking foreign official? If he really wanted to protect the public, he could have stopped subsidizing his grown son. Let him get a job like everybody else and make him work his way through school. Student loans ought to keep him from flying anywhere soon. Text from DJCline.com
Somebody needs to check up on security at the Amsterdam airport. If a guy shows up at the last minute with no luggage and pays cash, wouldn’t that raise an eyebrow? Especially if he was in a hurry to go to Detroit… in December? Of course it was the holidays and maybe the A team had the day off. I hope they had a nice holiday. Text from DJCline.com
Just like the idiot with the shoes, we will all now have to put up with more intrusion when we fly. Where as before we had to take off our shoes and drink all our water before getting on a plane, we will also have to put up with a pat down. The more accurate description will be a rubdown and cavity search. Maybe there will be low lights and soft music. Text from DJCline.com
I know lots of men here in San Francisco that won’t mind, but the rest will have to get used to it. I’m sure that has to be an expert who is willing to train all the security people how to do a proper cavity search. I’ve always wondered who these experts are. How did they get so good at it? Was it a skill they were born with or did it require lots of practice? If so, where did they get that practice? Are there colleges that teach this? Do the instructors have tenure? Do they publish? Do they put that on their resume? How is their performance reviewed? What do they say to their families when asked how their day went? Text from DJCline.com
You think your job is bad.
So let’s give the idiot a fair trial. Why? Because we are the good guys and when the bad guys do their worst, we must do our best. We try people based on evidence and not rumor or hearsay. We get to face our accusers. We only torture people by making them fly on commercial airliners. Besides, everybody deserves the right to a media circus and every circus needs a clown. This idiot just volunteered. Text from DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary, Humor at 4:46 PM PST []
Many people are having trouble selling their homes online. I think some of it may be the pictures they use. Here are some more examples people send to me.
Distorted Room
Someone used a funny lens or the room is really a collection of distorted rhomboids. It must be hard to measure and hang wallpaper.
Fern Under Stairs
The fern is hiding under the stairs… waiting for revenge.
Google Dining Room
This what the dining room would look like if the house had no roof and was visible from Google Earth.
Messy Kitchen
This tells me that the kitchen is so small that junk is just piled in the corner.
Plain Christmas Tree
Ah yes, it’s that time of year when you get a Christmas tree and don’t decorate it.
Stainless Steel Kitchen
I guess a decision had to be made about where to stop putting up stainless steel. It looks like flashing from a bad roofing job. The good news is you can magnetize all your utensils and they will cling to the wall.
Brass Fireplace
If you don’t like stainless steel, how about this brass fireplace? It looks like it was made from every spittoon west of the Mississippi.
Missing Oven
You are not seeing things. It looks like an stove top with nothing underneath. Who uses an oven nowadays anyway? Use the space to store your old newspapers.
The Last Barbeque
When I saw the grill knocked over and the door open, I imagined a last barbeque going horribly, horribly wrong.
Copyright 2009 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 4:53 PM PST []
Here are the top ten predictions for 2010. Text from DJCline.com
1. For statistical reasons, US Census Bureau takers will be required ask “Have you ever dated Tiger Woods?” Text from DJCline.com
2. James Cameron will work with George Lucas to create a 3D IMAX movie version of a virtual Michael Jackson in a movie called “This Is Really It. Honest.” Text from DJCline.com
3. Sarah Palin’s second book will come with more pictures and a box of crayons. Text from DJCline.com
4. AT&T will work to improve its network by selling tin cans connected with bits of string and charging customers an extra one hundred dollars a month. Verizon will compete by selling boxes of matches and recommending smoke signals. Text from DJCline.com
5. The unemployment rate will drop as the Labor Department starts counting “mohawk marauding motorcyclist” as a new job category. Text from DJCline.com
6. Facebook will buy Twitter and become Fritter, a more accurate description of how customers use their time. Text from DJCline.com
7. The effects of global warming will become painfully clear when millions of retired Floridians migrate back north to their children. Text from DJCline.com
8. Barack Obama will win an Oscar and an Emmy. Critics will whisper he won a Tony. Text from DJCline.com
9. Toyota will release a new Prius hybrid car. Nissan will release the new Leaf. GM will release the Volt. Radio Shack will sell gold plated connector cables for all of them. Text from DJCline.com
10. Declassified documents reveal that Dick Cheney not only tortured prisoners, he took them hunting. Text from DJCline.com
Bonus:
11. Airport security will include a complete physical as part of health care reform. Hey, it’s federal dollars and you are already naked, so turn your head and cough.
Copyright 2009 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 1:01 AM PST []
Mossberg’s Mistaken Identity
I was at one of those swanky San Francisco events and a young woman in a splendid evening gown walked up to me. She squinted and said she was thrilled to meet me and loved my presentation about blogs at an event two years ago. I did not recognize her, but I meet thousands of people a year. I did not remember the event, I go to hundreds and speak at dozens. I asked her which one.
She said All Things D.
She thought I was Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal.
The problem is that I was wearing a sign around my neck that said DJ CLINE in big letters. This woman was obviously not wearing her glasses for the sake of vanity.
Even though she could not really see me, I can see how she made the mistake, I was standing next to Kara Swisher at the time. Walt and I resemble each other the same way hybrid cars do, except he is much more distinguished.
Dear Walt, you have some lovely fans out there, they just can’t see you very well.
Copyright 2009 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary, Humor at 4:55 PM PST []
Many people are having trouble selling their homes online. I think some of it may be the pictures they use. Here are some more examples people send to me.
Black Leather
To paraphrase Eric Clapton “In the white room with black leather at the station…” Obviously this is one guy who got the house after the divorce. I like the large black rear projection television which sits like the monolith in Kubrick’s film 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Fern Corner
Nothing stages a room better than houseplants, except this lonely fern which looks like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree.
Wall Piano
I’m not sure, but is that some kind of piano themed clock hanging on the wall? Do you get a little sonata chime every hour?
Plywood Windows
I have to admit while those plywood windows keep out sunlight they also keep out attacking zombies. As long as the aren’t zombie termites… with chainsaws. RRrrrRRRR…
Spiral Staircase
A spiral staircase takes up less space but a fireman’s pole would take up even less. Besides you get dizzy sliding down the bannister.
It’s nice to see the water heater is in the kitchen, but shouldn’t it be closer to the sink than the stove?
Copyright 2009 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Humor at 6:10 PM PST []
