Noah’s Aardvark
By DJ Cline
Note: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real people, places or events is entirely coincidental. So get over yourself. Text stolen from DJCline.com
Reporter Noah Guy was having lunch with the security detail for the Fredonian Ambassador when Sharon Stope, the web manager of Happy Octopus called.
SHARON: Somebody doesn’t like your cat.
GUY: Excuse me?
SHARON: There’s a guy that’s been stalking you.
GUY: So? Turn it over to my people.
SHARON: He’s sent an e-mail detailing all the things he doesn’t like about your site. He rants for a couple of pages. Big text, little text, bold text, italic text, all caps. He needs not only a good psychiatrist but a good web designer. It’s a new loony record and I thought you should know about it. He thinks your site is too personal. Text stolen from DJCline.com
GUY: Duh! It has my name on it.
SHARON: I didn’t say he was very bright. He also says that you are communicating secret messages to him. Oh, and he wants you to make him invisible.
GUY: Invisible?
SHARON: Yeah. Like I said, super crazy. The message is a little confused, but then so is he.
GUY: He could have contacted me directly. Never miss an opportunity to make a friend. Must be a coward too. Has there been a cyber attack? Text stolen from DJCline.com
SHARON: The usual. I think he’s just a nut but I wanted to give you a heads up. His name is Walnut Sphinchter.
GUY: You’re kidding right?
SHARON: Nope, that’s his name.
GUY: Thanks Sharon.
Noah could not stop laughing at the name. Jack Jones, a former Navy SEAL and head of the security detail, wanted to know what was so funny. Noah gave him the name.
JACK: Oh yeah, that’s quite a name. We’ve crossed paths before. Let me look on my cell phone. Hmm, his website has his face in shadow. With all this social networking he should stay home if he wants to be invisible. He was at the Ruritanian event last month hanging out with some money launderers. He looks like a middle-aged guy, well-groomed, goes to the gym, confirmed bachelor type. Bob over there saw him back then and thought he was cute, but he said the fellow went home with two other guys. Text stolen from DJCline.com
BOB: Yeah. He went home with two Ruritanian bankers I had to tail. He lives in a creepy restored Victorian. Here’s a picture of it. Notice anything unusual?
GUY: Is that an actual hearse next to the house? Who does he think he is, Eddie Munster?
JACK: Hey Bob, you better look into this some more. Anybody showing up at a diplomatic event is in our jurisdiction.
GUY: You do what you have to, I’ll do what I want. For something like this I call Aaron Auschmann in Los Angeles.
JACK: Auschmann. Isn’t he dead?
GUY: No, we met last year at some lifetime achievement award. He’s close to a hundred years old now. Born in Germany, escaped before WWII, fought in the Resistance, got caught, escaped again. Went to Hollywood. Got blacklisted. Won awards and tried to retire. Recently his wife died and he lost a lot of his money in the crash, so I’m trying to help out. Text stolen from DJCline.com
JACK: Is he, you know, lucid?
GUY: Oh yeah. Still alive, still funny and still working. Writers come to him with comedy problems. This crackpot is right up his alley. After what Auschmann has been though, he’s big on free speech and loves going after bullies. Text stolen from DJCline.com
Noah dialed Aaron on his phone.
GUY: Aaron? This is Noah Guy. Can you hear me?
AARON: I’m deaf but I’m not dead. Let me turn this thing up. How can I help you today?
GUY: Well, I’ve got a guy named Walnut Sphinchter and I want a fictional name for him.
AARON: Walnut Sphinchter? My god! How can I top that? Let me think. I used to know a camp commandant named Sphinchter; he was a baron and real bastard. How about Baron Von Aardvark? Text stolen from DJCline.com
GUY: That’s great. I’ll use it. I’ll send you the first draft and you can punch it up for the usual fee. This going to be so much fun!
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary, Fiction at 4:36 PM PDT []
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Railroading The Press
On March 9, 2010 Meg Whitman of eBay and candidate for governor of California invited members of the press to cover an event at the Union Pacific Railroad facility in Oakland. It did not go well. She would not answer questions from reporters and photographers were blocked from taking pictures.
Besides being a public relations disaster, it was also a teachable moment. When Meg Whitman was at eBay their events ran smooth as silk. The public relations people were professional. Meg hit her mark and delivered her message. Afterward she would answer questions. Nobody wanted to get in the way of getting out the message of the day. The press went home happy knowing we all did our jobs.
Covering politics should not be that much different, but you don’t want the way the story is covered to detract from your message. When an elected official or a candidate for public office makes an appearance at a public or even a private event, it is news. It is most certainly a First Amendment right to cover and comment on such an event. Keeping the press from covering it is also news. It is not a good idea to invite and then un-invite the press.
I checked my math and over the last ten years alone I have appeared in print over hundreds of times and online thousands of times. I carry credentials and my work is recognized and awarded. People know me as I walk in the door. Usually I cover events and they go off without a hitch. Sometimes event organizers have to learn how to deal with the press. We are the good guys. We think your event is worth covering. We think what you say and do is newsworthy. If you treat us poorly we will say so. What’s more, we may stop coming to your events and tell people about our experience.
You can get good press, bad press, or no press at all. Choose.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:34 PM PDT []
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I’ve been doing a lot or research on emerging technology and the direction things are heading. I’m contemplating bigger changes on the way I’m doing things. It looks like a lot of work but that never stopped me before. Watch this space.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:32 PM PST []
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Posted by dj as Commentary at 11:59 PM PST []
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Doug Wray, the brilliant designer of this and many websites talked to me this week about improvements for this site. We are planning a subscription service with some free content. If you are a frequent reader please contact me about these improvements.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:33 PM PST []
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On Feb. 18, 2010 at the SVEC Banquet, Richard J. Elkus, Jr. and family posed for this incredible portrait.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 3:22 PM PST []
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Esquire’s Chris Jones has written a great article about film critic Roger Ebert. I recommend it.
http://www.esquire.com/print-this/roger-ebert-0310
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:32 PM PST []
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I was in the lobby of the Avatar Hotel in Santa Clara and saw a wonderful collection of toy robots. Enjoy!
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 4:56 PM PST []
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Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Mardi Gras! Happy Year of the Tiger! Happy President’s Day! If I left anybody out, find some other excuse to celebrate. :-)
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 12:55 PM PST []
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Google thinks America needs more fiber (optics). :-D
On February 10, 2010 in Mountain View at Google product managers James Kelly and Minni Ingersoll announced plans to start running broadband Internet by fiber optic lines to 50,000 homes and perhaps as many as a half a million. Current data speeds offered by Comcast (Xfinity) are around one megabyte per second. Google plans to offer one gigabyte per second. Text by DJCline.com
This is not the first time Google has tried to offer service to communities bypassing cable and phone companies. Five years ago they tried Wi-Fi network projects in Mountain View, San Francisco and Philadelphia. While those projects were less than successful, Google continued expand its presence in airports. They also started to look at dark fiber and how to use it to deliver faster service. Text by DJCline.com
What does this mean? Google has the means, motive and opportunity to do this. They have the cash. They also tend to cast a wide net and see what comes back. Right now they have projects like Chrome, Android and their office suites. All of these will benefit from faster networks. Text by DJCline.com
Frankly, America needs better telecommunications infrastructure as seen with the dismal service supplied by AT&T to the Apple iPhone. Text by DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 2:52 PM PST []
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It’s the end of Macworld as I know it and I feel fine. Text from DJCline
I think this might be the final Macworld. It used to the place to see Apple’s latest products and third party accessories. It is not just a Macintosh world anymore. With the introduction of the iTunes, iPod, iPhone and iPad there are new worlds to discover. If there is another big event it won’t be called Macworld.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 1:19 PM PST []
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I went to a green consumer event last week and since then a question has been on my mind. Why do small portable consumer electronics still use batteries? Text from DJCline.com
If the devices are getting more and more energy efficient, then the power requirements are getting smaller and smaller. At some point they could be run by old-fashioned spring loaded technology seen in watches and music boxes. I have a radio that operates on the same principle. There are even emergency radios that charge cell phones through a USB port. If your cell phone already had a wind-up charger built into it, the phone would continue to work in the event of a disaster like the earthquake in Haiti. Text from DJCline.com
Batteries create toxic waste and cost money to replace. Wind-up technology uses recyclable materials and is free to anyone who can turn a key. It would be funny if our new toys were powered like our old ones. Text from DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 4:56 PM PST []
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Going Public
I love it when someone puts their money where their mouth is and walks it as they talk it.
I know a woman who worked for years teaching kids in developing countries. She can be cantankerous but I always sent her whatever she needed. She adopted a kid. She figured there were three billion starving kids on the planet and it seemed silly to generate a genetic copy when there were so many kids already who needed a home.
She decided to come home and bought a house in a rundown neighborhood and sent her kid to a local public school. I asked her why. She said he would be fine. She said she believed that everyone had a right to an education and she wanted to support public education.
She did not want to be one of those people who move to essentially segregated suburbs and send the kids to private schools. “I’ve already paid for public school. I can take the money I might have spent on some academy and help more than one child. They pull up the drawbridges and let the rest of the world go to hell. They forget that they are going to live in the same world they think they escaped. Their kids are going to have a rough time of it.”
It is a lot of work. She keeps an eye on her kid’s progress to make sure he is doing well. She is active in the local parent teacher organization. She attends local school board meetings. She raises money and occasionally goes to the state legislature to campaign for more funding. The neighborhood kids are doing well. If you are serious about educating everyone, support public schools and send your own kid to one.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:46 PM PST []
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Hard to believe it has been fifteen years since my first website. I wonder what the next fifteen years will bring.
The irresistible desire to simplify our lives that has been dragged down by the complexity of information technology. I think the appeal of social networking sites is that people can have an online presence and yet do not have to worry about running a website. Of course they give up privacy and intellectual property but they gain visibility and time. Text from DJCline.com
After seeing the new Apple iPad, I think the day of a computer “for the rest of us” is near. Every minute we waste fiddling with a computer keeps us from doing what really should be doing. I chose the Macintosh because I wanted to spend years creating and not coding. The result is that I became productive, prolific and profitable. Text from DJCline.com
The day will come when running your own website will be as quaint as making your own clothes. We will become the HAM radio operators in a world of cell phones. Text from DJCline.com
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:50 PM PST []
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They called him Nick The Neck. I called him Mr. Wrong. Text from DJCline.com
He was a guy I knew many years ago. He worked out and developed quite a neck. Today you would suspect he was using steroids. While he was not particularly likeable, I found him to be a great barometer because he was always wrong in the long run about everything. It did not matter what it was, sports, politics or the stock market. Nick always lived in the present and thought things would remain the same. He fought the future and always lost. Text from DJCline.com
I thought of him as I looked at Apple stock this week. You see, Nick hated Apple Macintosh computers. It was an irrational, inexplicable position. He did not like Steve Jobs and became furious at the idea that he would return to Apple and save the company. As unlikely as he thought it was, that was exactly what happened. Text from DJCline.com
My people check his web presence every so often to see how disastrous his life became. I wonder what his life would have been like if he had bought Apple stock instead. Listen to people who disagree with you, it makes you check your judgment. Learn from their mistakes and you will make fewer of your own. Text from DJCline.com
Update: Mr. Wrong was last seen speeding away in Toyota Camry. Not kidding. :-D
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 4:06 PM PST []
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Time Slot Versus Good Content
How bad is the economy? Even Conan O’Brien lost his job.
I don’t think he’s hurting much, though I do wonder about all of his staff who moved across the country. Are they now stranded and jobless in Los Angeles? I hope they got a similar deal.
I think NBC choosing Jay Leno over Conan O’Brien shows how out of touch the network executives are. They picked Jay Leno over David Letterman because Jay’s humor was safe and not too “weird” for mainstream audiences. They made the same mistake with O’Brien. They kind of missed the point that mainstream audiences disappeared with cable and the internet.You have to grab individual viewers not broad demographics.
They also seem unable to disengage from the obsession with time slots. Thirty years after the time shifting of VCRs, DVRs, downloads and YouTube, they still think it is important WHEN a show appears. It is more important that the show is entertaining. Johnny Carson succeeded because audiences back then had few choices. I doubt even he would be able to compete with the content now available. If you aren’t funny I’m not watching.
I did enjoy watching it all blow up in the executives faces. It is well documented how Jay Leno manipulated the situation to force David Letterman out of NBC. I guess Jay thought Dave would disappear. Instead, Dave outlasted him. If he wasn’t good at what he did, he would not be on the air. The sad part is that Jay did it again and management fell for it. At any sane company Jay would lose his job. Instead executives say his show was “well received.” Whenever I hear that phrase it is a sign of a dysfunctional organization betting on the wrong horse.
The good news is that Conan made his ejection as slow and embarrassing for them as possible. Sadly, his reputation and competency was ironically brought into question by the spin doctor who forced him out. Now Conan has to fight to prove himself to the public again. That last week was a great example of what NBC will miss out on.
What next? Well he could go to another network and fight for that ever shrinking audience. I wonder if he has considered just doing the whole show on the web. He is already an established brand. Forget the networks. Sell your ads on your site. Sell it on iTunes. Reduce your overhead. Don’t worry about network executives or local affiliates. Just be funny and online anytime you want.
At the end of the movie Oceans 13, George Clooney tells the bad guy why he will prevail. It’s because he is more fun to be around. “We know the same people, and they like me better.” We like Conan better.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:50 PM PST []
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Illustrated Atlas Of Native American History: Traces The Movements Of North America’s Native Peoples From Prehistoric Times To The Present Day
Edited By Lorraine B. Myers, Richard Carlson, John S. Bowman, Glenn O. Myers, Samuel Willard Crompton, Barry Pritzker, Luoise Minks, Robin Varnum, Rosamund Dauer, Anne Elliot Crompton And Winslow Eliot Text from DJCline.com.
Native Americans have been pushed all over the map. To keep track you need this atlas.
The North American Indian
By Edward S. Curtis
A classic. This is kind of a family album of sorts. If you ever resented having your pcture taken, remember it might be the only picture that exists of you for future generations. Smile. Text from DJCline.com.
Jeff Davis’s Own
Cavalry, Comanches And The Battle For The Texas Frontier
By James R. Arnold
Many Civil War Confederate generals got their experience fighting Indians in 1850s Texas. I don’t know how to feel about a book about killing one group of people so you can expand the base for enslaving another. A complex tale. Text from DJCline.com.
Northwest Coast Indian Art: An Analysis Of Form
By Bill Holm
Loved every page. These tribes would have made great circuit designers. Text from DJCline.com.
Looking At Indian Art Of The Northwest Coast
By Hilary Stewart
A rather dry look at art from a very wet place. Still recommended. Text from DJCline.com.
Chiefly Feasts
Edited By Aldona Jonaitis Text from DJCline.com
Stunning photographs of authentic pieces. A great coffee table book. Text from DJCline.com.
A Guide To Navajo Rugs
By Susan Lamb
Find a Navajo. Buy a rug. Repeat. Warning! Authentic Navajo rugs do not have pictures of dogs playing poker. Also there is no such style as Shiprock Shag. Text from DJCline.com.
Navajo And Hopi Dyes
By Nonabah G. Bryan
If you want to green with your clothes this is a place to start. You will find that a lot of the colors are not colorfast. You might do more damage if you have your organically died clothes have to be dry cleaned. I learned lots about color. Text from DJCline.com.
Working With The Wool: How To Weave A Navajo Rug
By Noel Bennett And Tiana Bighorse
This takes great patience that I no longer have. Besides it itches. Text from DJCline.com.
Weaving Of The Southwest
By Marian Rodee
If you have the time and want to learn to weave, start with this book. Text from DJCline.com.
On The Edge Of Magic: Petroglyphs And Rock Painting Of The Ancient Southwest
By Salvatore ManciniForeword By Eugenia Parry Janis
Introduction By Polly Schaafsma
A kind of spooky book about petroglyphs. Heed their advice. Text from DJCline.com.
North American Indian Designs: For Artists And Craftspeople
By Eva Wilson
No dramatic breakthroughs here. Seen it. Text from DJCline.com.
Indian Designs For Quilt Patterns
By David And Jean Villasenor
A slim book with few examples. My quilt expert says the designs are complicated. Text from DJCline.com.
Indian Designs For Jewelry
By Connie Asch
You could use these designs for than just jewelry. Some are not practical but jewelry does not have to be. Text from DJCline.com.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 11:17 PM PST []
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The Ferguson Perspective
There has been a big deal about late night talk shows. NBC wants to put Jay Leno’s show back in its original time slot and push Conan O’Brien back a half an hour which bumps Jimmy Fallon back too. At some point someone named Carson Daly becomes the new host of the Today Show. ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel and CBS’s David Letterman have had a field day as the public forgets about their respective problems. The one person who has kept some reasonable perspective about this is Craig Ferguson. Text from DJCline.com
It is true that funny people come from unfunny places. If you read Craig Ferguson’s autobiography, his life is a mix of Oliver Twist, Clockwork Orange and Lost Weekend. We have crossed paths and he is what he appears to be. He counts himself lucky to be doing what he loves and Friday night he said so. He reminded everyone that there was an earthquake in Haiti which is more important than anything celebrities do.
He then admonished Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson for using political and religious excuses not to help the people of Haiti. These are the sorts of folk who visit third world countries, see people in trouble and then head back to their nice hotel and eventually their suburban monster mansions. They do not realize they are part of the problem and not the solution. If you see someone in trouble you don’t turn your back on them. As history shows, the problems of other people inevitably wind up on your doorstep. Help them now. As Martin Luther King said “The time to do the right thing is always NOW.”
Otherwise Rush and Pat, don’t expect much sympathy when things go bad for you.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Blumbers, Commentary at 4:49 PM PST []
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I haven’t commented on the Haiti earthquake because I’ve been trying to help friends find family members in that country.There needs to be a more resilient robust global communication system than what we have now. Ideally every cell phone should be able to recharge by itself and have at least some limited satellite text messaging ability. Text from DJCline.com
If you know somebody from Haiti or even rescue staff going there, volunteer to look after their jobs, homes, pets, etc.
Help those who help others.
More thoughts later.
Copyright 2010 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Posted by dj as Commentary at 2:18 PM PST []
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